Providing negative feedback may be beneficial or harmful depending on how and by whom it is given. Most of us do not enjoy giving or receiving negative feedback. Yet without the benefit of negative feedback we usually fall way short of realizing our fullest potential.
As objective as we think we are, and as honest with ourselves as we try to be, still we are unable to become our best unless we are able to effectively give and receive helpful, negative feedback.
We all have been around people, family, friends, work colleagues or the person in line at the grocery store who needed some helpful, negative feedback, but we weren’t sure how to go about giving it.
Last week we looked at some of the reasons we fail to give negative feedback. Now let’s look at how we might go about giving negative feedback in a helpful way.
Feedback is always about your perception. Everything you see, feel or hear is always your perception. Therefore, when giving negative feedback, you should always take responsibility for how you see things. Focus the discussion on how you are perceiving things. Say something like, “I have been observing…” or “The way I see it….” Avoid saying things like, “You have been doing…” or “You always ….” Use more “I” and “me” statements, avoiding “you” and “you always” statements.
Generally, when too much emphasis is placed on “you” (the other person), the receiver will go on the defensive. It is human nature to defend ourselves when we feel attacked. On the other hand, if you use words such as “I” and “me,” the receiver will likely be more receptive to the feedback because they will not feel as threatened.
Giving negative feedback almost always turns ugly when receivers feel the need to defend themselves.
Make it safe for the person receiving the feedback. Don’t call people out to embarrass them in the presence of others. This is so easy to do when you have power over someone, for example, as a parent or a boss. Sure you may be upset by someone’s behavior at the time. But if you want to help the person, you may have to wait for the appropriate time and place to give the feedback.
Embarrassing someone in the presence of others is rarely about being helpful; generally it is more about controlling or humiliating them.
When it comes to giving negative feedback, avoid waiting for things to accumulate. Try giving feedback as close to the event as possible. The same is true with giving positive feedback, although with positive feedback we generally are more likely to give it closer to the event.
You must earn the right to give negative feedback. Sometimes we want to give negative feedback without first earning the right to do so. Before you can give negative feedback in a way that the other may receive it – in a constructive way, establishing a relationship of care and respect first is important. If others feel cared for and respected by you, they likely will be open to receiving your negative feedback.
You also should acknowledge their strengths and successes so that when you give negative feedback, they will receive it in the context of knowing you also recognize those as well.
There is a ‘three-to-one’ or 75 percent principle that is used in giving feedback, which if used regularly, is likely to give you the right to offer negative feedback. Give three positive feedback comments for every one negative feedback comment. If the people around you get used to hearing you provide positive feedback, they likely will be more open to your negative feedback.
Giving negative feedback is not always easy. But it is necessary if you want the people around you to improve and become the best they can be.
As you think about how you provide negative feedback to others, what would you say gives you the right to offer such feedback? Do you use the ‘three-to-one’ rule? Do you make it safe for others to receive your feedback?
Giving negative feedback is sometimes a hard and uncomfortable but necessary part of life. Don’t withdraw from giving negative feedback; instead, work on how to do it in a helpful way.
If you would like help in achieving your goals in any area of your life, call us at 208-880-0307 or email us at errol@errolcarrim.com to schedule a complimentary coaching session. To read Errol’s other posts, visit Christ-Centered Life Coaching.