Author Archives

Errol Carrim

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Got Conflict? 3 Essential Steps for Resolving Conflict in Relationships

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twins fight over booksTry as you may, you cannot avoid conflict in relationships. It is a natural part of our human existence. Since conflict is a part of our existence, you need to figure out how best to deal with it rather than try to avoid it.

When all you do is try to avoid conflict in a relationship, you are only allowing it to get worse. The longer you wait or the harder you try to avoid it, the worse the conflict will become.

I recall a conflict with a colleague when I worked as a manager at a call center. Rather than dealing with it immediately, I started avoiding it. The end result was I ended up distancing myself from my colleague and our relationship became rather awkward. I lacked the tools to manage the conflict. I know better now and have developed some tools, so I always try to deal with conflict as soon as possible because I value relationships.

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New Beginnings, Part 2

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Family timeOften, in the busyness of life certain important areas of our lives get neglected in pursuit of the urgent. While this may be true of most of us, it seems especially true of leaders in general, and in particular, those called to lead the church of Jesus Christ and her institutions.

The truth be told, God does not want us as leaders to neglect the important areas of our lives in pursuit of building of His Kingdom. Instead, He desires that we learn how to balance doing His work with taking care of the important areas of our lives, because in His economy of things, they are not separated.

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New Beginnings, Part 1

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5837865120_ea5ccebf78_z (1)We often think of a new day as a new beginning. We also have new beginnings in relationships, careers, or when moving into a new house or another state or country. In some ways we face new beginnings daily. Some of these are good, others not so good, and some really great.

Today let’s focus on new beginnings in areas you may have been neglecting in pursuit of things that are all good, but if you do not begin anew in these areas, the price will be costly.

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Changes Will Come Whether We Choose Them or Not

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Serenity prayerChange is inevitable, and you would do well to live in that reality and be prepared to deal with it when it occurs. But how do you respond to change so you are not defeated by it?

Be honest about how you feel and what you think about the change. Sometimes it may not be possible or wise to share that with the person who is the reason for the change until both of you are in a right frame of mind to do so. In the meantime, you need to be able to share with someone what you are thinking and feeling about the change. This honest sharing helps to decrease anger and keep resentment from building. It also serves to give you some perspective on managing the change.

Acknowledge what you have control over and what is outside your sphere of influence. This idea is well articulated in the first four lines of the well-known Serenity Prayer made popular by Reinhold Niebuhr.

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First Steps to Fully Embracing Who You Are

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writingLast week I talked about how our struggle to truly embrace who we are is at the core of our difficulty with trusting others.

I want to offer a few suggestions to you in the process of fully embracing who you are.

Get out of your head. We all have the tendency to live in our heads. When you think about it that really is the worst place to live. In our heads we come up with the worst scenarios about our situation and ourselves.

When living in our heads, we seem to focus on our negative experiences, the things about us we do not like and do not want others to know about. We are usually not afraid to trust others with what we are good at or when we have a good idea. But we struggle to let others know about the negative or less than wonderful things. The truth is all people find themselves living here sooner or later.

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Why We Find It Difficult to Trust Others

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Trust thrown in airWhy do you find it so difficult to trust others? Why do you find it amusing when a child is honest and trusting? You were once like that child, completely trusting and honest with those around you. What has transpired from childhood to adulthood that now makes trusting others so difficult?

I have spoken with many people who say they know they need to start trusting others but they don’t know if they can. When I ask why, the typical answer is, “I am afraid others would judge me or not like me if they get to know the real me.” They also fear letting others know that they are struggling.

Why do we find it difficult to trust others with who we are?

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Ultimately, the Buck Really Does Stop with You!

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buck stops hereThe phrase, “the buck stops here,” was made popular by President Harry S. Truman. The phrase was on his desk in the Oval Office as a reminder to himself and the nation he was leading that ultimately the final responsibility was his. The phrase implies that the responsibility for something cannot or should not be passed on to someone else. No one to blame, no scapegoating or making of excuses. Let that sit with you for a while before reading any further.

What might happen if you were to approach living your life in this way? Rather than doing the thing that comes naturally—blaming others and making excuses, you start saying, “the buck stops with me,” and you take total responsibility for your life.

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Getting Along with Difficult People

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Angry peopleWe have all encountered someone who we have a difficult time getting along with. Reasons vary for why we struggle to get along with some people, while we seem to have no problem with others.

With some, it is the short fuse or seemly uncontrollable anger. Others might have mood swings that make them hard to get along with because you can never tell what temper they’ll be in at any given time. Others are overly sarcastic. Then there are those who are never wrong and nothing is ever their fault; they are masters of blame-shifting.

We have all encountered someone who is challenging to be around, whether at home or work. It may be a family member, a neighbor, a friend or an acquaintance. As a matter of fact, sometimes we are the ones who are hard to get along with. But let me offer some guidance for getting along with difficult people.

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Finding Freedom through Forgiveness

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forgive&free“To err is human; to forgive, divine.” I am sure you have heard that saying many times. The truth is that the saying is misleading. Because while to err is human, to forgive is also human, aided by the divine.

Forgiveness is a tricky thing because our first thought when someone hurts us or treats us unfairly is to desire justice. We immediately want to hurt them back; we want them to hurt as badly as we did or worse; or to lose as much as we have lost—and more if possible.

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When Listening is Most Difficult

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Ears pluggedLast week I looked at listening as foundational to a healthy relationship. If you are to have and maintain healthy relationships at any level, you must learn to be a good listener.

Listening is most challenging during conflict. In such cases emotions run high, with anger being the dominant. When emotions run high, reason can hardly prevail. And without reason rising above emotions, conflict escalates, often leading to serious consequences for all involved. Many times in the middle of a conflict you may have heard the phrase, “You are not listening to me!” Or perhaps you used it yourself.